Final Week, Sunday Night Private Conversation: Caleb

[unwittingking]

[It's late into the night when King goes to Caleb. He's knocking on the door to house 10, despite knowing he could go in. He's not going to just walk in right now.

It's a normal knock this time, rather than the previous 'Shave and a haircut' thing, and speaks loud enough that Caleb should be able to hear him.]

Caleb? Can...can we talk please?

[He's somber. Like he's ready for things to get sad-and he knows it will.]

Comments

[unwittingking]

No! No, you shouldn't be! I'm the only one that should be apologizing!

[He can feel the tears pricking at his eyes, and he knows he shouldn't be shouting, but this needs to be understood, he's not letting this go like this.]

I've been fucking up every step of the way here! Ever since the first trial, I've been making this worse, and worse, until this last one happened, and look what I did! Two people are dead because of me, and I tried to get someone else to take the fall for it because I didn't want to risk those things going after my family! And when I agreed to taking everyone's help, today happened! If I was less lucky, someone could've died from that-Arthur looked like he almost did!

And even with that...I'm not even sure if I can go back to them. What if I just end up hurting them, like you or the others?! What if I get pulled into another of these things, and I'm not so lucky this time? What if...

[He collapses forward, and it's a good thing Caleb's hugging him, otherwise he'd be on the ground for sure. His voice is soft again as he speaks, more fragile than anything.]

I don't...I don't want to hurt them...

[katzenpfote]

[He sighs and shakes his head. One thing at a time.]

Yes, you fucked up. I'm not going to deny that. And still I don't think you deserved that, I think you're being too hard on yourself - I'm willing to bet a lot of people there have fucked up in trials. And yes, I'm not going to say that what you did wasn't stupid, because you know we're going to defeat those things before they can get their dirty paws on our worlds.

We made it out alive. I think, given some time, people will be all right. ... I don't know, maybe I'm too numb to it. But you can go back to them. I don't think you're as bad as you say you are.

I know you didn't want to hurt anyone. I think other people realize that, too.

[He could have done without the flashbacks and hallucinations from pain and the constant pounding like a heartbeat, but he's been working on packing that all up neatly into the box of bad thoughts and shoving it aside again. He has work to do.]

[unwittingking]

[His lip quivers, and he feels pathetic. Like a kid that’s got his sand castle kicked in his face by a bully, but isn’t doing anything about it other than crying.

But they’re agreeing on some things; that he messed up, that he was stupid, those important parts. Not everything, but he’s getting used to Caleb’s stubbornness.

He rubs at his eyes, trying to wipe away the tears that are falling.]

You really think I can make up for it? That I can just...make things alright again?

[It’s a stupid question, and he knows it-he’s done as much in his life. But then...he didn’t mean to hurt someone, and it took years for him to really make up for it. Would anyone really forgive him, be okay with him, after what he did here?]

[katzenpfote]

I won't lie to you - I respect you enough to not do that. You can never make things 'all right again' after something like this.

What you can do is try to be better in the future. And, if you can, help others be better.

[He rubs King's back gently, trying to soothe him a little bit.]

[unwittingking]

[...yeah, he should’ve figured as much. Even after he and Fox finally talked things over, he can’t really remember the last time they hung out casually, even when he wasn’t on duty.

He never can make things alright again.]

I...I will. I pro-I swear, I will. I want to make things better. I want to help people. I’m just...scared of messing up again.

What’ll I do then? What do I do if I mess up again?

[katzenpfote]

... You try again. Again and again and hopefully you fuck up less each time. And failing that, having someone around to check you is helpful. If your wife can do that, that's good. If she can't, I'm sure you have other friends in your world.

And helping people isn't exactly an exact science, you know. Sometimes fuckups work out.

[unwittingking]

[He doesn’t respond for a minute. He needs to take it all in, and really think about it. Bailey could definitely do that. Hell, she’d probably be the best person for something like that, regardless of anything else. Even when she couldn’t, Fox could, or any one of the wolves. For a second, it seems like he might have something to hope for...

But then he thinks of something else, and his stomach drops.]

Even if that works, though...even if I can get better and have people checking in me, and I work on helping people...I’m not sure if I can even go home again. At least...not the same one as before...

[katzenpfote]

[Uh oh.]

... Why not?

[unwittingking]

[He sighs, and puts his arms around Caleb finally.]

Because...if anyone found out that...I killed two people, even if we somehow got them back, and I feel terrible about it...I could get put down for that.

Animals could get put down for just hurting someone. Something like this? Killing two people and burning one of their bodies, even if one of those deaths were an accident, and so was the burning? I’d be lucky if the Milton ferrets even decide to keep me where I’m at.

I’m...I’m probably never going to get my old life back...

[katzenpfote]

Well first of all, you said Bailey would understand and you weren't going to tell anyone else. Second of all, if anyone tried to do that to you I would find a way to get there fast enough to make them regret it.

[unwittingking]

Caleb...one of the people I got to help with the Empress' whole situation was a police dog. The one I shifted into at the trial. And he happens to be good friends with another police dog I know; Fox. He is...or, maybe was at this point, one of my best friends. He might cover for me, after that incident with Sasha, but I don't think Mungo will.

And you know they're going to ask where we went, and what happened, when we get back.

[They might be able to lie, but he's not so sure McBurn will, if he gets asked...]

[katzenpfote]

Well.

[He sits and thinks about it for a moment.]

Eh... I do not know what laws are like where you are from, but you were dealing with a hostage situation, essentially. Against someone who could not die. I... I think there is a case to be made that you acted in the... the most moral way you could, to try to save many people at the cost of two.

[unwittingking]

It might be able to help, but I'd probably need a really good lawyer to get people to really see it that way, and not just a dog being selfish getting two people killed.

[And also a jury full of people that go with killing one person in the trolley problem...though...]

It...might be manageable, if we can really get the Milton ferrets on our side...have I explained them yet?

[katzenpfote]

I... ah... do not know if gold is an acceptable currency where you are form, but I am sure me and the rest of the Nein can help.

... You have not.

[unwittingking]

It...definitely is, but it might not be necessary.

To put it simply, their a bunch of ferrets that were living with this rich guy, the guy died of natural causes, and instead of leaving his money to his annoying family, gave it to the ferrets. They've managed to stay wealthy despite their more...eccentric spending choices.

[He's pretty sure they filled a pool with jello once.]

Point is, Keene is the reason why I've been able to live my life the way I have been. He's set up a program to help animals get seen as equals, and started out by having wolves integrate into society, and eventually some dogs living on their own.

It'll probably be a pain, but...if we manage to convince him, I might have a chance.

[katzenpfote]

... I see. Well, if there's anything I can do to help with that, please let me know...

[unwittingking]

[He keeps hugging him, his grip maybe tightening slightly.]

Emotional support? Even if we can convince him...I'm going to be a mess through the trial. And even being with Bailey and the pups, I'm not sure it'll be much better.

And...maybe a little help convincing him? He's one of the more reasonable ones, and it'd probably just take explaining the whole 'getting the missing land back where it belongs' situation to get him on our side, but it's probably better to have some more help.

And...if nothing really works...maybe somewhere else to stay? If you know any place that would have me?

[And only him?]

[katzenpfote]

I will be there. If a half-orc won't cause too much of a stir, Fjord would also be good to have there. ... He can disguise himself if he needs to.

And if all else fails... Jester's mother lives in a very safe place. And Nicodranas is a large city by the sea, so if you need to we can probably set you up with enough gold to find lodging. I'd offer you to come with us, but we don't... really have the safest of lives...

[unwittingking]

[He gives a small chuckle at that.]

He might, but if the Miltons are behind the trial? People aren’t going to have much of a choice tolerating him.

[Any joy is gone by the next time he talks, though.]

I can...I could live with that. It’d take some getting used to, but I’ll get over it eventually.

Heck, I might just take up the offer anyway. It’s...it’s not like I could bring Bailey and the pups anyway, so...

[Why not invite some danger to his life? It’s not like he isn’t used to it by now.]

[katzenpfote]

... As long as they agree, I don't see why you can't take them with you. Not on our journeys, but... we can make sure they're taken care of. We have enough gold for a while, and if you did come with us I could get you back to Nicodranas almost whenever you needed, and Jester can send them messages to check on them.

Obviously it'd be better if you could stay in your world, but the option is there.

[unwittingking]

Caleb...if I needed to go to your world, I can’t just-uproot my family from their life. I’d want to see them, of course, but...it’s one thing for me to go through all of this. At this point, I’m getting used to all the magic and crazy and cruel stuff happening to me. I don’t want to bring them into this kind of stuff. I want them to live good lives-live better lives. Even if they could still have good lives in Nicodranas, I’m just...afraid of what could happen to them, dealing with something so different. It might just be best if...I visited them, from time to time. It’s not like we can’t go back and forth through worlds, right?

[At least, they should be able to. Otherwise, he might not be going to Caleb’s world too soon...]

I’m...probably getting ahead of myself though, aren’t I? I thought I should prepare, I guess. Didn’t want it to come all at once, when I had no idea what I should do.

[katzenpfote]

[He pulls back slightly, settling his hands on his friend's shoulders.]

... If at all possible, your family should be together. I don't want you to have to worry about them, or the other way around. You need each other. So we'll find a way, all right? I promise you that.

[unwittingking]

[He’ll be able to see King’s looking better, relatively speaking. There’s still tear tracks on his cheeks, but he’s got himself under control enough to put on a calmer face.]

Would that really be for the best though? Just plucking them out from the life they’re still getting to know and bringing them somewhere else? Would that really be a good idea?

[katzenpfote]

... I don't know. I just don't want you to have to be apart.

I've seen the pain on Nott's face as she thinks about how she was away from her husband, how he and her child thought she was dead. How disappointed she looked when her son said that he hadn't believed that the gifts she signed her old name with were really from her. How scared she looked when she learned where her husband had been taken, and who had been involved in using him and kidnapping him.

[Though when he'd heard the Assembly were involved, he'd been terrified, too. He'd also freaked out when Nott blamed 'his people', but that's his own issues, not the ones at hand.]

... And how happy she looked when they were reunited. How relieved she was when she dropped the illusion of her old self and he didn't freak out.

I don't know what's best, King. I've never really had family to worry about from afar. I only know what I have seen.

I am... I just do not want you to have to go through that. You or your family.

[unwittingking]

[He listens, and he thinks, and he realizes that that’s something he does not want. He doesn’t want to be away from his his kid, leaving them to think he abandoned them or think he didn’t care about them enough to be with them more. Them just casting aside any gifts he gives them because he couldn’t come to a holiday or their birthday. The idea of something else going after them, when he couldn’t do anything to keep them safe.

It scares him, and he feels the tears start up again as he just goes forward and hugs Caleb again.]

I don’t...I don’t want that either! I want to be with them! I want to hold them and hug them and tell them how much I care about them, and just look at them without feeling worried!

I miss them...I miss them so much...

[He’s just crying now, and he hates it, but what else can he do right now? Not much, that’s for sure.]

[katzenpfote]

[Oh. Oh no. Did he go too far? He holds King gently, pressing his snout to his shoulder. Not the first time someone's cried on him.]

I'd say 'I know', but that's not something I can know. But I am... I think we can work things out. We have resources we can call on if we need. And there are others here that can speak on your behalf if need be, as well.

[unwittingking]

[Caleb pushed him...but it might’ve been a good push. A push he needed, if he really didn’t want himself and his family miserable in the long run.

It might take a minute, but King will be able to bring himself together again, or enough form a complete sentence at least.]

You’re...you’re right. About everything. I’m still scared, but...I can’t live my life in fear over everything that could go wrong. I already said as much to Karma; you can’t just keep thinking about the ‘what if’s and ‘maybe’s. It’s just...it’s making me miserable, and it would make things worse for everyone I care about.

I still don’t know for sure how everything’s going to happen, but...whatever it is, I want to be with my family through it. I’m going to be with them.

[His voice is still small, but when he say that, it’s firm. It’s the one thing he’s not budging on. Not anymore.]

[katzenpfote]

We're going to be with you. And we'll keep you and your family as safe as we can.

I just want you to be able to be happy again. You deserve it. Forget what anyone else says - you have been through hell and come back. You deserve some peace.

[unwittingking]

[He gives a small laugh at that...and this time, it’s genuine. And he smiles-He honest to goodness smiles. The tears are still rolling down his cheeks, but for the moment? He doesn’t care.]

I don’t know for sure if that’s true, but...thank you, for saying. For thinking it. At this point, after getting out of here, that’s the one thing I’m going for.

And...making sure you get to be happy, too. You deserve to be happy as much as everyone else, and, after everything you’ve done to help...I think you earned that much, at least.

[He’s earned more than that, to King, but...small steps. He should get out the important parts.]